Who we want to be

I was driving home today and got cut off by a jerk. That in itself is not remarkable. It happens every day. I don't even bother to curse anymore. What makes this stand out in my mind is the first thought I had on seeing this person.

"Wow. It's like this guy read the manual for posers."

He had the decade old asian sports car with a shiny paint job and a engine that needed work.

*cough cough* wish I could accelerate *wheeze*

He had the backwards hat. He had loud music which he tried (unsuccessfully) to bob to. I could even smell the cheap cologne driving behind him (not an exageration). His friend in the passenger seat had the bleached blond spiked hair and both were dressed in exactly the clothing the tv told them they should buy so that they could be individuals... just like all their friends. Alright so I'm assumining it was trendy. I wouldn't know trendy if it kicked my ass in a parking lot but still...

The worst part of it all was that both were trying hard to look cool, see if anyone was noticing how cool they were, and yet wanting to appear indifferent because not caring is cool.

I could understand this more if they had been teenagers but both had to be pushing 30 at least. They obviously wanted the world to see them as something particular. Something they really wanted to be. It made me wonder.

I think we all do this to a certain extent. We all have an image in our minds of how we want the world to see us. I don't see anything wrong with this. I know I work rather hard to appear as certain things in my personal life and I work even more to do so in my proffesional life. But some people try to force it. There were times in my life where I did. I wanted to be something I wasn't and never will be. I wanted to convince myself and others that I was that kind of person.

I've been accused of arrogance many times over the years. There is a shred of truth in that but arrogance is thinking you are better than others and I'm just not that concerned with most people. I simply have faith in my abilities to keep swinging at life until I win or croak. Which ever comes first.

I'd like to wrap this up with a quick explaination of meaning and truth. Something that explains how I have the answers. But I don't. And I can't. I just keep asking myself every day, "Who am I? Who do I want to be?" If the answers to those questions aren't the same, then I have a lot of work to do. I often have a lot of work to do...